What to Say (and What Not to Say) at a Funeral Wake: Offering Comfort Without Feeling Awkward
In many ways, we live in a grief-illiterate society. I’ve seen it in myself and others—when faced with someone who’s just lost someone they love, we freeze. The awkwardness of not knowing what to say, the fear of saying the wrong thing, or just the discomfort around grief can leave us at a loss for words. But the truth is, people aren’t expecting us to have the perfect response. They just want to feel seen, heard, and not alone in their pain. If you’d like to understand more about the importance of this act of witnessing, take a look at my post, Being Seen in Grief: The Healing Power of Witnessing Our Pain.
Here's a guide based on my own experiences and what I’ve learned along the way.
What to Say
"I can see you’re hurting, and I am so sorry for your loss."
This is one of the most honest and straightforward things you can say. Acknowledging the pain, rather than trying to soothe it away, tells the person that you see them in their grief."I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can."
It’s okay not to have all the answers. No one really does. But showing that you’re available and willing to help, even if you don’t fully understand their pain, can be a great comfort."I am always just a text or phone call away."
Practicality matters, especially when the days ahead are filled with uncertainty. Letting them know they can reach out to you at any time helps create a support system they can lean on."I’m usually up early or late—reach out anytime."
I’ve found that upon waking and late night hours can feel particularly challenging for someone grieving. Letting them know you’re there during those quiet, harder times can offer an extra layer of support.Silence.
There have been moments when I didn’t say anything at all. I just sat with the person, because sometimes, words just don’t cut it. Silence can be incredibly powerful when it comes with presence."I brought you something."
Actions can speak louder than words. Dropping by with food, something comforting, or just a small gesture to show you’re thinking of them can mean more than trying to find the perfect phrase.
What Not to Say
"For 80 years old, he lived a very long life already."
I get it. You want to help them focus on the positive, but it can feel like you’re minimizing their loss. The pain of losing someone doesn’t magically diminish with age."He’s finally in a better place now."
This may bring some comfort to certain people, but it assumes that everyone shares the same view on life after death. And when you’re in the thick of grief, that may not be what they need to hear."There is a reason for everything."
This one’s tough. I used to believe this could be comforting, but I’ve since realised that grief doesn’t always make sense. Trying to rationalise it too early can make someone feel like their pain needs justification."I know how you feel, when I lost my…”
Even if you’ve been through loss yourself, comparing grief can feel dismissive. Their journey is unique, and it’s important to let them express their pain without feeling like it’s a competition of who’s suffered more."She did what she came here to do, and it was her time to go."
This can feel like you’re trying to tie things up with a bow, but loss isn’t that neat. It can invalidate how much the person is hurting at that moment."At least he didn’t suffer."
This may seem comforting, but it can also feel like you’re brushing aside their grief. Their loved one’s suffering might not lessen the pain they’re feeling now."She would not want you to be sad."
I’ve heard this said, and it’s often well-intentioned, but it can make the person feel guilty for their very real feelings of sadness and loss. They need space to grieve without feeling like they should suppress it.
Navigating Conversations Around Grief
In Singapore’s culturally diverse landscape, talking about death and grief can feel tricky. I’ve learned that different families, beliefs, and traditions shape the way we grieve, and that needs to be respected. Whether you’re attending a funeral wake or just offering support, the best thing we can do is not rush to fill the silence or "fix" the sadness.
Let the grieving person lead. If they want to talk, be there to listen. If they prefer silence, simply being present with them speaks volumes. Sometimes, offering comfort isn’t about finding the right words—it’s about showing up, being there, and letting them know you care in whatever way you can.
If you found this post helpful, feel free to share it with someone who might benefit!
Warmly,
George Chan
This Is How We Heal
George Chan, MCOU, is a Counsellor, Grief Educator and Breathwork Coach who specialises in helping individuals navigate grief and loss through his private practice, This Is How We Heal. With a rich background in theatre and entertainment, George brings creativity and empathy to his work. When he's not in the therapy room, you might find him performing, choreographing, or working on a new production—or spending time with Luna, his Jack Russell Terrier, who doubles as his unofficial co-therapist and production critic.